On the Aliens and Jesus

Daniel Heck
4 min readAug 5, 2022

When the aliens came, they were so kind. At least at first.

But soon enough, they would really hurt our feelings, which is why they had to be burned to death.

The trouble started with the gathering of a conclave of the world’s greatest theologians, led by Wayne Grudem with a minor assist from the Pope. They decided to meet with the aliens to ask them if they knew Jesus Christ.

With great joy, the aliens replied, “Yes. He is a good friend. He is always there with each of us even to the consummation of our lives at every scale. He even has his friend Saint Nicholas come by each year with presents for us!”

Then the aliens saw that the humans were visibly upset and confused. So they asked the humans, “What’s wrong. Didn’t he like your chocolates?”

And you’d think that would be the end of it.

But of course the theologians immediately became suspicious, angry and defensive. “You mean you didn’t murder him so that he could die for you?” they demanded.

Well, most of the theologians said that. The authentic Franciscans were pleasantly unsurprised, having long believed that you don’t have to murder someone for them to stay with you.

But of course, those Franciscans didn’t have very much money or a large media apparatus.

Immediately, EWTN and Fox News and One America News and First Things and Charisma Magazine and the 700 Club and The Gospel Coalition and all of their friends published and signed a joint statement condemning the aliens as heretics. It was all they talked about for the next 3 months.

The rest of the world dutifully took their cues from the American media apparatuses and their great theological leaders. The Pope tried to do something about it, but who listens to him anyway? So Archbishop Kirill was elected Pope.

It was immediately decided that the aliens had to be killed, for the sake of the faith. And then they burned all the alien visitors to death, For the Glory of God and the Wellbeing of Men.

When word got back to the aliens’ intergalactic missions office, its officers canceled their plans to teach us about fusion and planetary ecosystem management.

Instead, they went back in time and sent the head of their antiquities division, Intergalactic Starlord Azael, to teach Cain to make steel and war and make-up and things like that.

With that knowledge, Gilgamesh used his prostitutes to control Enkidu and the rest is history. The barbarians became the instruments of barbaric civilization.

In time, the empires that grew from this would destroy our rapidly overheating planet in a horrible nuclear conflagration.

And this really raises the question. Maybe they wanted to wipe us out from the start after all? I mean really, isn’t it Starlord Azael’s fault that we killed Jesus?

All images are generated by the author using Dall-e mini, 8/5/2022. This article has no commercial use.

 by the author.



Daniel Heck

Community Organizer. Enemy Lover. I pastor and practice serious, loving and fun discourse. (Yes, still just practicing.)